Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.