Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

God tier horse name today on the sims

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.