4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
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i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like