Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.