Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

*My kids are fighting*

9yo: You’re acting like a baby !

6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.