Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.