@Jack_Wagon1
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
@awkwardenabled
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
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@Jack_Wagon1
@cuntyspice_
the best thing about babies is they have no idea what’s going on. i was holding my baby and trying to eat but i dropped a little piece of lasagna on her and didn’t have a free hand to wipe it off so i just leaned over and ate it off her head. she has no clue what i did
@FredTaming
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
@3sunzzz
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
@KentWGraham
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
@jazz_inmypants
her: i love astrology
me: are u sexually attracted to jupiter be honest
her: that’s astronomy, and yes
@HomeWithPeanut
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
@stephenjmolloy
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
@_davidlucas_
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
@TheTweetOfGod
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.