Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
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the best thing about babies is they have no idea what’s going on. i was holding my baby and trying to eat but i dropped a little piece of lasagna on her and didn’t have a free hand to wipe it off so i just leaned over and ate it off her head. she has no clue what i did
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
her: i love astrology
me: are u sexually attracted to jupiter be honest
her: that’s astronomy, and yes
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
“You list communication as a strength”
“Care to elaborate?”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.