Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

I’m a bad influence on myself.

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal