4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
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Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
opening twitter today
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?