Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked