Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore