4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
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Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
