4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
You Might Also Like
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
why isn’t he texting back
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife: