@cafchaosgrace

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

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@Staggfilms

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

@duchesskk

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

@jollyrobber

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

@AndyAsAdjective

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

@flashember

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

@isaidwhat_

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

@KalvinMacleod

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

@blade_funner

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

@Jake_Vig

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???