ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
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I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
My favorite restaurant review
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???