Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

*mops up wine with cat*

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

*seductively corrects your posture*

Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.