4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
You Might Also Like
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”