4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
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Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?