4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
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Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
i wonder why they stopped looking
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke