4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
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if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!