Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.

“No screens allowed.”

On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.

“This is your mother now.”

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.