Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A small tragedy.

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.

VS

Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*