Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

😂😂

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

The funk soul brother

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.