Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

Can. I. Help. You.

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.