Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

What a year we’ve had this week.

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

Body by cheese-puffs.

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?