Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!