Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

Bear knowledge

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

im getting some exciting spam emails lately

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.