Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”

He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

this is the most humiliating day of my life

“and you are November’s PM yes?”

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.