4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
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*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
[eulogy]
line?
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
