Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

✌🏽

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.