4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
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[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
apparently this year was written by stephen king
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.