4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
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When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
dril cadence
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR