Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

Not today, today.
Not today.

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?