4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
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“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I have a new favorite meme page
I am yelling
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.