4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
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“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money