4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
You Might Also Like
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
The smoothest fall of all time
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?