4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
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If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now