4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
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Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
#dalle2
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.