Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not my job 😂

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation