4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
You Might Also Like
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.