Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s Go

ouch

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

True

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔