Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts