4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
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If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes