4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
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I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then