Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

cause of death:
autopsy.

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

Does beer think about me too?

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.