4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
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Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Just me?
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels