Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.

Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.