Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

This made me chuckle.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

Important reminders

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

Note to self: always read the final line

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting