4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chickenš£ ,And Iām here to tell you that I successfully ate all of themšš
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Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house catās with mountain lions so she thinkās she is shrinking.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
As my friend Joeās last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; oneās a porn star.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Why are all podcasts ātwo best friendsā I want a podcast thatās Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: soā¦ stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: youāre fired
Itās a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bobā¦what does it look like Iām doing?
Neighbor: ā¦urinating on my mailbox
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Me: š
Facial recognition: nope, donāt see it
Me: š
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: š¤Ø
Facial recognition: no
Me: š
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: š„“
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so weāll be moving any second now.
āThis cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.ā
~Bamm Bamm
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were āthe oneā?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
āWeāre up all night to get Lokiā -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Iām only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Growing up is just going from hearing āwe have food at homeā to saying āwe have food at homeā.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
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I donāt trust rainā¦
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesnāt add up and it feels like communism
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal āRewards Daggerā that gets me a discount everywhere.