Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk