Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting