4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
You Might Also Like
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
A bold strategy
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.