4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
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This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
we’re dead?
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days