Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

this… may be the greatest story ever told

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?

15: The tears of my enemies…

Kids are fun.

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass