Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me