Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS