4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
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“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.