4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
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5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter