4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
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Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
He died doing what he loved: being alive
bias laundering edition
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.