4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
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Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Stop.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date