@alldrolledup

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

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@NintenDom

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

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@JohnLyonTweets

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

@Tmoney68

If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.

@Andrea__B__

So I think we have pretty much covered what to do if life gives you lemons

@randypaint

[invention of wine]

guy: i squished some grapes then let the juice sit for a couple years

friend: why

guy: to drink it, obviously

friend: are u okay

@BradBroaddus

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.