4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good


Me: My sister is pregnant

Him: Does she know the sex?

Me: I’m pretty sure that’s how she got pregnant


There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.


Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.


“Be patient.”

– Mr Miyagi telling Daniel how to bang a nurse


How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.


Coworker: it’s dark already
Me: I know, Dan. I have eyes
CoW: it’s only 5 ‘o clock
CoW: it’s early


Taught daughter to make toast & she already knows how to do boxed Mac n cheese so now she’s all caught up to my level of culinary prowess.


my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera