4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
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How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I falcon love using swear birds
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.