4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
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This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
This is my favorite one of these!
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
won’t smith
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets