4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
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Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Born to be mild.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Bill is short for Billiam