4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
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This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
i actually laughed 😩
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.