With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend teeth.
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I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Apparently, if she’s refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be ‘Why are you mad again?’
What jugglers do best
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Fellas, don’t waste your time. Memorizing the lyrics to Gangnam Style hasn’t gotten me laid once.
Yelling “shotgun” when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding