Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
You Might Also Like
#Caturday
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.