4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
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My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.