4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
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My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.