4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
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It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.