Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

☠️ ☠️

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

Got ya covered

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub