Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.

Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

i hate you platonically

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)