4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
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I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!