4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
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Shoo shoo! 馃槀
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Everyone鈥檚 all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman鈥檚 fighting Superman in 2016.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Look at this
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I鈥檓 not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn鈥檛 you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you鈥檙e only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense