4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
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A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Stop making fast and furious movies.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
“you guys will complain about anything” yeah im on the complain app