4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
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Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
respect
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected