4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
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Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
The Book. The Movie.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol